Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Rock Salad

This morning we were running thru the house when Arras knocked over the water bowl. One gallon of cool fresh water flowed across the kitchen floor. It was a beautiful sight but for some reason, Vickie was not happy.

A bit later I found a sprinkler head that Vickie had placed what she thought would be "out of my reach" but I am growing really fast and things that I couldn't get to a few weeks ago are now easily within my grasp. It was all metal and about the siz of a big guys thumb. It rolled around inside my mouth like a smooth cold piece of ice. I was about to swallow it when Vickie came barroling out of the house screaming, "Drop it Bert, Drop that thing RIGHT THIS MINUTE".

Well of course I dropped, gosh she scared the goodness out of me. To be truthful, I just don't get it. What is the big deal about swallowing smooth rounded objects. I mean, Jamie does it all the time. At least I think she swallows them. I remember from the very first day I got here, Jamie would bring a big ole rock over to Vickie or well, just about anybody who came to the kennel, and drop them at their feet. Then Vickie or everyone else would throw the rock and Jamie would happily run after it, pick it out of a pile of other rocks then bring it back.

Jamie told me that it was a great game and that people were really easy to trick into throwing them. So I started to play the game. At first it was ok, but then I just couldn't figure out why I would bring someone a rock, then they would take it from me and throw it away. I'd go get the rock and they would take it from me again and throw it away. Finally I just decided they didn't really want the rock so i just kept it.

They feel kind of cool in my mouth, so then I started just holding them in my mouth and well, it just seemed to make sense that when I was through holding them, that I should swallow them.

Now I learned quickly that some rocks were better to swallow than others. The smooth rounded ones are the best and they go down the easiest. That is when Vickie started yelling at me. She kept saying "Drop it Bert, drop it." But if I dropped it she just picked it up and threw it away. Now where is the sense in that.

So when she would start to holler and come running towards me, well I just swallowed it faster. Vickie says that is the reason we have become such good friends with Dr. Eddie Doughty. He is my personal doctor. I like him. He is really kind and he always makes me feel better when ever I get sick. I seem to get sick a lot. And usually it is a day or two after a big meal of rock salad.

The first time I got sick from "Rock Salad" Dr. Doughty stuck a long thin needle in my arm and I got to sleep over at his place for the night. He came in and visited me through the night so I wasn't scared or anything, just really tired and my stomach hurt. He has a daughter who came in to visit me too and all the nurses. Everyone was really loving to me while I was away from home.

I got to go home the next day and I felt a lot better. Vickie said she was glad to have me home but then started mumbling something about her wallet being a little lighter that day.

I felt pretty good for a few more weeks but then one day my stomach hurt so bad and I threw up all night and didn't want my breakfast so back to Dr. Doughtys place again. This time was different. Vickie was crying when she left me and I had the thought that this might not be as much fun as the last time. They put the same needle in my front leg again and all of a sudden I was very very tired. I fell asleep and when I woke up I was surprised to find I had a long cut down my belly and lots of things they call stitches. It hurt a little, but my tummy felt better.

Vickie came to get me that day and when I went home the nice nurses sent a really cool coller as a gift. It was big and white and it went around my neck. I felt pretty cool until I tried to go through the dog door or drink from the water bowl. I'm not so sure it is that cool of a gift after all.

Vickie tried to tell me that if I didn't want to wear this collar for the rest of my life I had to quit eating "Rock Salad" She even went to the store and bought what she though would be the most awful tasting, hottest hot sauce she could find. Then she went out and covered any rocks she could find with the hot sauce rock salad dressing and hoped I wouldn't eat them.

Well of course, I had to try the new delecasy and to my delight, I loved it. I grabbed one of those rocks and was swishing it around in my mouth when Vickie came running out AGAIN and screaming"Are you nuts Bert? Drop it"

The next day, three men came and spent the next week removing all of the rocks in the front yard and replaced them with grass. Vickies wallet was getting lighter and lighter.

Last week I found two rocks she missed and I ate them so quickly that she never even knew. Well at least she didn't know it until I got sick again and that Dr. took x-rays and found them. I love Dr. Doughty but he is getting to be a bit of a tattle-tale. Vickie was really upset this time. She just pulled out her wallet and handed the nurse a little card and said, "Have at it" then with tears in her eyes she left me for another overnighter.

I think I am getting to the point where I don't want to spend the night at Dr. Doughty's anymore so maybe I'll give up the "Rock Salad". At least I'll try. You know, it is much like asking Vickie to give up Chocolate.....There must be a substitute of some sort.....I wonder if I ate smaller rocks, or perhaps just ate them in "moderation" I hear Vickies mom say that to her all the time, and that makes sense.

At first I thought the sprinkler head could be a substitute that would make Vickie happy but clearly, according to her frantic reaction, I am going to have to keep looking.....


Anonymous said...

Next time you should get an elephant- it would be cheaper and you could ride it around the yard:)

Kodiak & Kenai's Mom said...

Bert & you make my day happy when it is really bad. I just love reading about Bert's adventures.